Judge Not

Last week I went to a conference on faith and healing. When I first got there I realized how much I don't like hanging out with people any more. I've spent so much time hiding away in the safety of my home over the last few months, that staying in a dorm with 11 other girls and sitting for long hours in a crowded room listening to inspirational stories didn't seem like a good idea. Yet somehow I volunteered for the job... hmmm? Maybe the extrovert in me was screaming to get out.

I'm glad I listened.

It wasn't easy though. On arrival all I wanted to do was hide. People were too bouncy, loud and happy. Eck! Then as I pushed myself to engage and interact with those around me, I remembered why I love people so much. Every single person is so unique and interesting. It's like God gives me glimpses of how entertaining and beautiful people really are.

The conference started and immediately I found myself wanting to run and hide again. Or worse, judge those around me. Conferences always seem to pull people's personalities into extremes and there were definitely some extreme mannerisms and I definitely found myself judging them, criticising them in my mind for not being real or genuine. But then God started whispering a verse to me... "...work out your salvation with fear and trembling..."(Phil. 2:12b). Then fragments of Dances with Wolves and other stories started to pop up in my mind about how the Navahos, Mohicans and so many others were judged for their "savage" ways of dealing with things. People didn't understand their passion or dramatic ways. That's when God reminded me of King David, dancing before the Lord in his underwear...

Sheesh. God sure knows how to lay it thick sometimes. I got the point. Don't judge. Though I may not always understand why people do silly things, God sees the heart and I don't need to worry about it. He's the Judge. Not me.

As soon as I was able to get this through my thick skull, I not only saw these people in a different light, but I became more free to be ridiculous. Ok maybe I wasn't dancing half naked during a worship song, but I was definitely letting God move me and by doing so, He was allowed to bring some serious healing. He lavished my little heart with his magnificent Father's love. He held me close so I could hear His heart beat. He spoke words of life over me and released a giggle bomb-- I was laughing so hard I was crying. He did all this through different people at the conference. During one session a father pulled me into a tight embrace. I didn't think about what others around me were thinking. I didn't even hesitate to let myself lean into him. The result? A God experience like I've never felt before.

We may not always get the ways of the Lord, but who are we to judge what He choses to do? The bible says "His ways are not our ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts." (Is. 55:8-9). He gets it, we may not, but how cool would it be if we could switch off that judgmental button and just go for the ride God has for us?

My personal belief is that it would be the best ride of our lives.

So, who's with me? Who wants to agree with David when he said " I will become even more undignified than this..."? (2 Sam. 7:22a) It won't always be pretty. People will still be human and judge you, ridicule you, maybe even despise you, BUT, as that good ol' prophet Nehemiah said, "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." (Neh. 8:10) As long as we stand in the Presence we won't be worrying about what people think.

One final thought. The key note speaker at this conference said when we focus on the problem looking for answers, we won't find it there, because the answer is not in the problem, but in the Presence." I was reading through the Psalms today and God just confirmed this even more...

"Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? 

Why are you crying the blues? 

Fix my eyes on God -- 

soon I'll be praising again. 

He puts a smile on my face. 

He's my God."

Ps. 42:11

I challenge you. Think about it.

Yes, erm I mean No. Umm NO!

I just saw an advertisement for a diamond ring, the slug line above the sparkling stone said something along the lines of "Ethical Diamond Rings"...

It got me thinking, how funny is it that we have to put words like "Ethical" into advertizements about diamond rings... I know specifically that there is the whole concern that people don't want to be buying blood diamonds, but this isn't the first time I've seen something like this and it's not always for diamonds. Why is it that we have to put words like "ethical" into our adverts? My theory is because people are no longer trusted on their word. We have fought more and more to find a way to make our products look important and cool and healthy. We do anything that we can to make that happen, including twisting words and truth.

Many people these days say that truth is relative, but is that really correct? Are there not some things that we all agree with deep down inside our hearts? Let's take the blood diamond for example. Am I right in thinking that most, if not all people, recognize that blood diamonds are wrong. The movie Blood Diamond had all of us in the western world demanding jewelers to tell us their product was blood free. We all agree that it is wrong. This is truth and it's not relative. It's solid. Truth is truth. What's true for me, is true for others. Not "What's true for me, may not be true for you."

I'm not going to launch on a big spiel about what truth is and what it is not. The only one who can really tell you what truth is or not is, is God. I will leave the issues to Him. What I do want to talk about is how our culture today is searching for things that are real and solid to their core. Could it be that we are looking for people, businesses, etc to be truthful?

There used to be a time in history, when you could walk into a store, grab what you need, turn to the owner and say, "Put it on my tab." Neighbors could come and ask to borrow a cup of sugar, because you knew they would give you back sugar when they could. What people said was what they meant.

How far has our world come from this? We hesitate at lending things, we hesitate on trusting that a person will show up when they said they would. Why? Because our word is no longer our word.

Being a person of your word is one of the most important things to me. When I tell people something, I want it to be something they can trust. I can't even begin to tell you how angry I get if things change and my word becomes something that is no longer truth. One of the reasons this is so grounded in me, comes from a story I read from the Bible...

The Israelite's were told not to make alliances with any of their neighbors and when one of their neighbors disguised themselves as a nation that had traveled far to come and make an alliance with them, they readily agreed, not taking time to seek the Lord. After entering the agreement, it was revealed that these were their next door neighbors. Immediately, the Israelites wanted to break their alliance and fight their neighbors for their deception, but God told them that they had to be men of their word.

There is so much more to this topic that I want to discuss in future blogs, but for now, I want to challenge you to join me in my goal to see our word be our word. If you say you are going to show up somewhere, be there. If you promise to do something or return something, do it. Let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no". I know I still have far to go for this to be something I live by, but how different would our world be if we all lived this way...

Think about it.

The BIG and short of it

I've always loved to write. It's been one of my biggest passions in life. I love the freedom, the creativity and the adventures. I love to lose myself in the story and the world it creates. Sometimes, story is more real to me than life. Maybe someone reading thinks that's unhealthy, but I chalk it up to the wild imagination God gave me.

Throughout my twenty-nine years of life I've written several short stories and started several novels, but I've never had the staying power to complete them. I've often wondered at this. Wondered if I am not disciplined enough or talented enough, but I think it's more along the lines of loving my new worlds so much that I don't want to see them come to a close. Does that make sense? I do the same thing with scrapbooks. Several of the adventures I've gone on in life, the people I've met and the places I've gone fill pages and pages of scrapbooks. However, I never finish them. I hate to see those adventures come to a close, because I know that the people I met or the places I've been will slowly leave my immediate circle of life and be shoved in some corner to be covered in dust, only to be pulled out every once in a while to relive the memories.

Maybe I have a problem of letting go.

It's true, actually, but I am growing in this process of holding life in my open palm verses clutching it tightly in my fist.

At the beginning of of this year, I made a resolution to start writing more. I set an easy goal for myself. Twelve short stories for the whole year. That meant I only needed to write one short story a month. Easy. I told a friend about this idea and he decided to join me, we were going to embark on this together, so there would be accountability for us and we would have to write, because someone was waiting to read.

So, I started a short story. I wrote out the basic outline of what I wanted to happen and once satisfied, I started writing. Around page nine I realized I was still at the very beginning of my "short story". I joked that I was writing a long short story, but then again around page twenty-three I realized I could no longer call my story a short story. So I joked about writing a novella. Then again around page fifty I realized it was a novel.

Excited about my tenacity for the story I shared it with my sister who is a published author, shared it with my mom (who's my biggest fan) and then shared it with several other friends who love stories. Every single person giving me positive reports. This served to fuel my passion and love for the story even more and my fingers flew over the keyboard.

This "short" story began turning into more and more of a monster, until I realized I wasn't just writing a novel, but the first novel in a series of seven! Welcome to the Chronicles of the Oak Guardian. Wait, what? How did that happen?!

I'm convinced this has come about because of God. Somehow it was like I finally got it. I didn't hold tightly to my story. I didn't over analyze every single word and every single character. Instead, I trusted the story and trusted God's desire to co-create it with me. The result? I have a finished draft of the first book and have already started the next.

Now hear me out, I'm not saying my book is going to be the best ever because God co-created it with me, what I am saying is that when we learn to hold things loosely it gives God room to expand our horizon. It gives Him room to tell a BIGGER story, then the small, "short" story we intended.

So often in life we let fear of failure or even fear of success hold us back. We tell ourselves that only those people over there are good enough to accomplish great things, or only those people have the creativity, or the smarts or the charm to pull off the impossible. Maybe, just maybe, God is wanting us to know that any one of us CAN pull off the impossible, because He wants to give us those impossible things. Does that make sense? Let me put it another way, if someone tells you you're beautiful or handsome, what's your response? I know for years and years my response has been "Oh, you need glasses" or some thing along those lines. Why can't we believe that those people are maybe telling the truth, that we are beautiful? Maybe all along God has been telling us that we can accomplish those things that feel so far out of our reach and it's been us that have turned the deaf ear and said, "Keep dreaming, that could never be me."

I started off a short story and let God turn it into the first novel in a series of seven. Something meant to be so short has turned into something massive. What if God has something like this in store for you and He's just waiting for you to hold your dream in the palm of your hand so that He can turn it into something BIG.

The road still stretches far out in front of me. I am after all only 1 draft in to the first novel of seven, but somehow I'm not nervous. Somehow I'm not concerned that I won't have enough to write, that I'll get near the end and feel like I'm beating a dead horse, why, because I know that my Creator, who lives in and moves in creativity will be there each step of the way to reveal more and more of the BIG story He's got....

If you've managed to keep reading this very long blog, congratulations. I leave you now with this challenge. What are the passions you have in life? What is the BIG story God has for you? Will you step out of the mediocrity and step in to the adventure? Or will you let fear hold you back? I beg you, trust God. He's the ONLY one who is trustworthy and the best part- He has a GREAT adventure for each one of us, if only we will let Him be a part of it. Hold your dreams and passions with an open hand. Invite God in to your hearts dreams and marvel at the BIG Story He has for you. You may just find yourself pleasantly surprised.

Only Jesus Can

I came to a very sudden realization the other day. I always knew it, but somehow it just made more sense to me than normal- only Jesus can lead people to himself. All I can do is point the way. No matter how much I tell people about Him and His love for them, they will never believe it unless they accept it and the only one who can reach beyond the thick walls of flesh and bone to touch the heart is Jesus.

How much it must break His heart when He reaches out and still even then they choose not to trust His goodness. How much He must weep for their blindness.

Maybe you want to yell at me now and tell me that "Well if He's God then that shouldn't stop Him." But, that's the beauty and curse of creating a people and then giving them free will. He didn't want us to be puppets attached to strings in heaven. He didn't want to give us the script of our lives so that we can read the part perfectly. He wants us to trust Him because we choose it. He wants us to be unique individuals that create glory.

It's a good thing I'm not God, I think I'd get so heartbroken by some of the choices people make that I would want to force them to do what was right. It would be out of a loving heart for them, but then they would never learn and they would never really be able to return the love I have for them. Their lives would become false and stagnant and the beauty of creativity would not exist.

I love that God gave us free will... Reminds me of my students. One of my favorite things about teaching film is to see the stories that come out of their imaginations. I feel like J.M. Barrie in Finding Neverland when he passes the journal to the little boy, Peter. Peter asks what he should write and Barrie tells him to write about a talking whale. Little Peter looks at him quizzically and asks what whale. Barrie answers, "The one that's trapped in your imagination and desperate to get out." I love my students' creativity. If I love it, then how much more does God love the creativity we create? This only comes if we have a free will.

Somehow it makes me think of horses. I love horses and am also terrified of them. They are huge, powerful animals and when I touch them I can feel the raw power coursing through them. One simple lift of a foot or a slight movement of the head and you can see the perfect muscles rippling just under the surface. They are wild and beautiful and fully alive. Now imagine a puppet horse. Or even one of those horse outfits where two people jump inside and act like the horse. They are fun and for maybe a brief moment they bring laughter or joy, but it's only for a moment. The real animal continues to course with a life power that is so tangible that the joy and awe continues long after. In a weird way, we are like them. God didn't want the toy version, he wanted the relationship and lasting joy that comes with the real us.

Which leads me back to where I started. Only Jesus can break people's hearts, in order to heal them. Does that make sense? What I mean is, just like a horse is broken so it submits and trusts it's master, He breaks past our indifferences, our hurt, our anger, our beliefs. He breaks past the callousness of our hearts to transform us. Make us more into our true selves. He's not interested in puppets, He's interested in living, creative and powerful people.

I can only point the way to this awesome guy and trust Jesus will take them the rest of the way.

What Jesus Felt

I've always wanted to be a leader and mentor. Maybe this sounds a bit vain, but I thought I'd be pretty good at it.

Lately, I've been thinking about the hardships that come with being a leader. Not just the hardships, but the responsibility and the work that goes into each and every relationship. You're life is not your own anymore, everyone critiques the way you do things and no one fully gets how much of your heart you put into even just the little things.

In a weird way it's like being a parent and having the world watch on as you try to bring discipline to your children. Whether your children are the people you lead or the courses you run, or the topics you speak on, it's all critiqued. In some cases it's not just critiqued, it's rejected. When that happens, it breaks your heart. It's like the prodigal son who chose to walk away from his father, but took all the hard work his father put aside for him and wasted it like it was garbage (his inheritance).

I came home crying over this today and in my heart wrenching whine to my wonderful and enduring housemate, I suddenly thought of Jesus. Sure, I pour my heart into those I mentor, I love them. I see their potential and I so badly want them to see it too and start living it. It physically hurts when they don't see how awesome they are and choose instead to put themselves down. Sometimes I have to stop myself from shoving the truth down their throats, I mean how can they not see what I see?

Yet, how much more does Jesus feel this way about us? I mean He went pretty far to show how much He believed in us. He fought so hard for us to see ourselves the way He sees us. And He thought we were worth redeeming- enough to take our place and die for us. He gave more than just His heart, He gave everything.

Maybe only those who have been or are in leadership will really get this post, but this thought really made me think today. When those I'm mentoring reject me or ridicule my efforts it hurts. But how much more does Jesus' heart break when we reject Him and His word? All He's trying to do is help us to live fully, to be people who are so tangible and creative that we create glory in everything we touch. If we really stepped into what He has for us, the air would be thick with something like fairy dust. Only it would be bigger and better.

Light Afflictions

I've been thinking about afflictions lately. The Bible talks about them like they were really easy and light and only last for the night, but when one is in the middle of affliction it feels like you'll never see the silver lining of that dark looming cloud.

A few years ago, I was smack in the middle of one of these afflictions, I would journal every night and every entry seemed to be the same "Who am I?", or "Why me?" or "What's the point?". They were all so dismal and sad that even now it's hard to go back and read through them. I'd try to end my entries with something I'd learned or a piece of encouragement, but they never seemed to help, I'd just fall right back into the funk the next day. This is what happens when you are lost in the wilderness of afflictions or hardships.

I remember during one of those days, I was doing laundry, we didn't have a drier where I lived so I was out back hanging my clothes. As I pinned one after another the sky above me darkened. This only served to depress me more. Great, can't even wash my clothes right. You know, that sort of thought pattern. However I kept hanging my clothes in defiance. Shouting at God to ease up on me, let me at least get one freaking thing right. That's when I looked up at the sky. I raised my face to shout only to discover the dark sky- the affliction, so to speak- was one tiny white little cloud that was covering the sun. Wow. Talk about an overreaction. In that moment I had to laugh, but I ended up in tears. It was like God was saying, "I see the pain you are in. I know your burdens, but what I have for you, compared to this affliction is so much bigger."

It was a life changing moment for me. One that I could carry through the rest of that light affliction. The picture of a massive blue sky unfolding in every direction with only one tiny cloud.

Today I was hit with this reminder from the past. The lies, doubts and the apathy that loves to accompany them seemed to stand forever at the door, their persistence was overwhelming and my physical body seemed unable to hold them off. I couldn't get warm enough and I couldn't sleep long enough. Temptation crept through the corners of my mind and their alluring voices almost dragged me away, out of the light, out of the truth. Thankfully God spoke stronger than the others and reminded me of this simple truth- though life may seem difficult for the moment. It will pass, the light will return.

At the end of my life I want to be able to say that I stood strong, that I didn't lose hope and that I carried on for a higher purpose then what I could currently see. The walls (afflictions) only stand for a short while and then we will be given the strength to either knock them down or climb over them. Or realize that they are only apparitions and walk through them, confusing their efforts and watch them swirl away in the mist.

When I chose to cling to Him today the voices dimmed and though I still felt cold and I was still tired and hungry, the weight, the oppression seemed lighter and all I could think of was "light affliction".

"For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an 

eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison"

2 Cor. 4:17

No matter where life takes you, whether the storms seem to rage ever on and on, or the sky seems to never let the sun come out and play. Take courage, take heart. This life is but a shadow compared to the big adventure awaiting us in the Ever After. Whatever light affliction you are facing, hold on to hope that this too shall pass. God says that it will and I believe Him. He is a pretty smart guy after all; and when it does we will see those glorious silver linings and our hearts will be gladdened.

The Death of a Dream

"...so the apparent death of a dream will move our heart through the stages of mourning... I know.. I have seen dreams vanquished... one day of tears for a dream so closely held will not complete the healing."
-My mother to me back in 2007

How right were her words. For this day, five years later, I still cry for the dream so closely held. It is as fresh now as it was then. It looked different, different things caused it, but it was for the same dream. Back in 2007 I had to lay that dream down before the throne of God and tell Him that it was in His hands. I am saying that again now in 2012, it is in His hands. Only this time I had been so much closer to that dream becoming a reality, only to have to let it go again.

I would be lying if I didn't say that it stings. I've carried this dream in my heart for six years and have yet to see it become something tangible. Not many people would keep holding on after so many years and here I go again, to wait another year. Here's the thing though, I realize the closer I get to seeing my dream live, even though I watched it die again today, I have a hope that it will resurrect. This is not the end. This is rather, just the beginning.

We live in a time when everyone wants what they want, NOW, not later. My life is contrary to this. Even though I want what I want, NOW. I know that all good things come to those who wait.

When times seem desperate and I'm searching for a kind word, I often jump on the web and go to biblegateway.com to see what their verse of the day is. Today's hit me like a wall of compassion because it made me realize that God didn't think this was the end of my dream either.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:9 

Ok I know I may be taking this verse out of context, but I know He still used it to speak to me and I had to share it with you. Maybe you are in a similar place, watching a dream dying... Or maybe you are still trying to figure out what your God-given dreams are. Or maybe your dream seems to be slow at coming to pass. Well, maybe it's because God has a bigger plan for it and it can only get bigger if it dies now.

It reminds me of seeds. I heard once that a seed must die before it can blossom into something wonderfully creative. Our dreams can be like that, they must die to grow...

I want to finish with a story from a fabulous book called the Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge (if you haven't read it, you SERIOUSLY should get it and read it, it's AMAZING). Anyway, they talk about a friend of theirs asking this question about God "How can you love such a wild Lover?" Their answer to her was this, "When you know His good heart for you." 



That story always reminds me of Noah. He waited years for his dream too. It was something like a HUNDRED YEARS for his dream to become a reality. Can you imagine waiting that long?! He was laughed at, mocked, belittled, I even imagine some people considered him the crazy old man with that weird thing he called a boat. His family probably became the butt of many jokes as well. Yet no matter what happened, no matter who persecuted him, he trusted in God's good heart for him. If he had succumbed to the constant pressure or hadn't trusted in God's goodness, we wouldn't be here today. Makes me reassess my situation.

It's true. Though it feels and looks like God has abandoned me, the truth is, He's right here, that really His heart for me is good and that through this current pain and difficulty, He is just creating something Bigger. To steal from my facebook status today "I choose to trust in Him no matter what the circumstances. He stays the same today, yesterday and tomorrow and the truth is, that He loves us and has a plan for our lives- to prosper us, to give us hope and a future bigger than our present circumstances."

To Die or Not to Die

Aww yes, the art of letting go... tricky business really.

This is something I ponder quite a lot. I look back at my life and the things I would change if I could or I look to the future, wondering what it holds, My heart stirs and grows heavy with wishes. I wish I was married, I wish I was still friends with So and So. I wish I wish I wish... the joy of our choices and their consequences!

Lately I've been having a lot of dreams about people from my past. I've lost contact with them and I can't seem to figure out why they are reappearing in my life through my dreams. One thing I find myself doing after the dream is searching for them online- in facebook, etc. Another thing I tend to do a lot is pray for them and wonder where life has taken them. Praying that God blesses their lives. I think one day when we all leave this world behind it will be interesting to see how my prayers affected their lives. It's the treasure I store in my heart and in Heaven.

The hard part is all the feelings of loss along the way. Sure I know in my head that there is treasure being stored for me in Heaven. Jewels in my crown, but it's a hard thing to wait and to make the sacrifices now, wondering if my sacrifices really do make a difference in eternity. What if I never get married? What if I never have children? What if I missed out on a bigger story for my life?

As I ponder these questions and many more like them I have to remember, I am not my own anymore. I was bought at the highest price. I belong to another. I am His. Then I remember that He makes beautiful things out of the dust- us. So if He's got the creativity to do that, then you know He's got a great big story for our lives and the funny thing is- I know I'm living it and that I am just making myself miserable because I'm an artist and that's what I do. Aw the tortured artist. Huh. Makes me wonder if God is ever tortured as an artist...?

I open my eyes to the life I've been given, the life I'm living and have to stand back and awe at the adventure I live. I have a great life, but it comes with letting go, of making sacrifices. Daily I have to choose to let go of the desires of my heart- of sharing my life with a mate, of seeing what my children would look like and many more.

No matter how good life can be, it will always involve sacrifices and I have to ask if we make the right sacrifices? Think about it, what do you sacrifice in your life? Do you make sacrifices of your family and relationships, does work reign in your life? Who does reign, who really is making the greater sacrifice? See there are only two choices, either the people around us feel the weight of those sacrifices or we do.

My life is not my own, I was bought at a price. I was rescued from eternal damnation by One who loves me more than His own life. So do I choose to let my family and friends suffer in my sacrifices or do I choose to deny myself, pick up my cross and follow in His steps?

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple 

must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and 

follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose 

it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. 

Luke 9:23-24

Someone once described this verse to me using a flower to symbolize our life. They said that if we choose to live for ourselves we'd flower and die, but if we choose to deny ourselves, we would become a sweet fragrance to the Lord.

I don't know about you, but I want to be a sweet fragrance, no matter what the sacrifice.

It's a hard knock life

One of my friends on facebook posted one of those pictures with a saying on it. Normally I find them all fairly cheesy, but this one kinda floored me. It was a picture of a piece of coal and a beautiful diamond. The writing said something to the equivalent of "A diamond is just a rock that handled stress really well."

Lately I've been thinking a lot about painful and stressful experiences. How they shape us and why they are necessary or trying to figure out if they really are. Pain. Hurt. Suffering. None of these are things you want to experience, but it's only when we go through situations that are painful that we really get the light. At least it's that way for me. I don't get the value of things until I learn how hard it was to make it possible. For example, you work. At the end of a two week period you get paid a certain amount. Then you go to the store to spend the money, but you think a bit harder when buying things because you want whatever you buy to be worth the long hours at work. Get it? It's the same with pain and suffering.

And lately, I'm discovering there will be more pain and suffering the more you devote yourself to that something or someone. That's the problem with being vulnerable.

I performed a monologue once that was about someone who'd become very jaded towards this problem of life. It was from Seascape with Sharks and Dancer by Don Nigro...

When you were little did your parents always keep giving you 

these animals and things, like they thought you looked like 

you had to have something to be grabbing onto all the 

time or you'd fall over or blow away or something?....not just like 

cats and dogs but also a pregnant raccoon and two ducks 

named Mickey and a deflowered skunk and a chicken named 

Arnold and all kinds of things like that. They were really dumb. 

Not the animals, my parents. Well, you know how dumb they 

are. And the house we lived in was too close to the road, and 

what happens when you live to close is that all of your animals 

get splattered always on the road, and your brothers are 

always having to go out with a shovel and scrape them off 

and take them someplace to bury. And sometimes if they're 

all squashed but not quite dead you brother has to hit them 

with the shovel until they stop screaming or quacking or 

squawking or whining or meowing as the case may be. And 

giving them names makes it worse but I loved to and I couldn't 

help it and I did and when they got squashed then it wasn't just 

the cat or the duck it was somebody with a name that you'd 

lived with and slept with and talked at and listened to and fussed 

over and took care of and accepted you and then it was the mess 

that was left on the road. And after the last one was squashed 

which was a small bowlegged Persian kitten named Clarence aged 

six months who was sort of dumb and loved me a lot and never 

wanted any more than to just be alive and play with some piece of 

string or something, after that last one I made my stupid parents 

promise me they would never get me another thing that was 

alive because I had figured out what was true and still is true 

that there is no excuse and no way ever to make up for the 

millions and millions and millions of innocent betrayed and squashed 

up dead, and nobody's parents and nobody's God was ever going 

to be able to explain that to me and make it all right, and the only 

way not to go crazy if you had the misfortune to be a compulsive 

namer and lover was if you never hooked yourself up with 

splatterable things then it can never be your fault for needing them 

and having them because if you don't give you can't hurt and you 

don't get guilty because you can't betray if you never gave to 

begin with. Doesn't that make sense to you? It does make sense. It does.

At the time I understood the monologue and did my best portraying how the character felt, but I feel like I could give such a stronger portrayal now, because I am struggling between becoming like this girl or continuing to stay vulnerable to whatever life may bring.

We all have to deal with this from time to time. More times than not I'm shouting for Team Vulnerable to win, but lately, I'm wondering if becoming hardened to the world wouldn't be easier...

Yes as enticing as not feeling the pain and never attaching myself to "splatterable things" sounds. I would not only be ridding myself of the painful experiences, but it would also make the joyful ones mediocre and flat compared to how they really feel when I am living fully alive. This is what stops me time and time again from becoming jaded. 

And again I have to turn back to the law of truth, that pure joy is worth the pain it sometimes takes to get.

Risking It All To Reach The Stars

I was at a funeral a few years back, on the front of the program was written a phrase the deceased was known for saying "Do what's right and risk the consequences." During the reception I was talking with a guy there about the phrase and how it was so simple, but to actually put it into practice would make a massive difference in a person's life. He told me that was how he wanted to live. He wanted to "wear out with age".

Another time, I was sitting in a class where they were talking about the Fear of the Lord. This is one of my favorite topics, but I will just say this about it for now. They focused on what our lives would be like if we really walked without fear in the promises of God and to obey when He directed us. As an effort to try it, for one whole day my friends and I declared that we would do what we felt was right. We termed it FOG day (Fear Of God). It was so surprising to see the things we chose to do. People were stepping out in so many different things and because of their boldness to do what was right, others quickly joined them. It was like a pebble creating lots and lots of ripples.

I'm not going to lie. As exciting as this is, it's also scary. If I were to always step up and do what's right, regardless of the consequences. I could end up with some not so fun repercussions. Doing what's right is not always popular or appreciated. I could lose friends. Maybe even family. But is is worth it? Yeah. I think it is.

How many of us at the end of our lives want to be remembered for the good things we did? How many of us want to be looked up to, admired and honored? The truth is, getting to be that person, well... most of the time you will be ridiculed, shunned and even rejected. People won't understand your incessant need to pick up every piece of trash when you walk across the park. They won't understand why you go to bed at 10 like an old grandpa so that you can get up at a decent time the next morning and thereby stay healthy. They'll look at you strange for saving your money instead of splurging on movies, or trips to Hawaii. And if you are a person of faith, they won't understand why you insist on thanking God before you eat.

Those are all little things that we can all do to "do what's right", but what about the bigger things? What if God asks something ridiculous or what if to do something right, it looks ludicrous to the rest of the whole world? Ok that may be a bit extreme, but what if it was that big?

If you read the Bible, God asks people to do some pretty ridiculous things, but those who have the guts to risk it and obey, wow! their lives are not only exciting, they get to star in the best selling book of all time. The Bible. Take the Israelites for instance. Circa. when they are entering the promised land. They've got this massive river to cross. A whole nation has to somehow get from one side to the other. God tells them to send the priests with the ark of the covenant across first. He says they will walk across dry land. One look at that river and I can imagine how many people were thinking "yeah right!". The river was in it's flood season, the current was really strong, the place where they were to walk down to the water was extremely steep, but, they chose to risk it. To do what's right. Sure enough as soon as the priests feet his the rushing water, it dries up and the whole nation is able to walk across on dry land. Talk about a life of adventure. 

I don't know about you, but that is definitely a life I want.

I found a "musings" that I wrote a few years back and thought it was perfect for this post...


I learned once, that the light we see from the stars is actually a thousand years old by the time it reaches us. I love stars so this random piece of information always stuck with me.
One day I was moaning and complaining to God about having to wait for things and He reminded me of the star that shone for Jesus. God asked the star to move a thousand years before Jesus’ birth and it obeyed. Even though it had no understanding of why it was moving and why it was told to shine it’s brightest, it still obeyed. Unquestioningly.
There are many times in life where God tells us to do something crazy and we may not understand why, but that doesn’t matter, because He does understand. The star helped me to remember that even in situations where I feel like I’m not making an impact, that I really am, even if I don’t see it, because I am obeying God’s call on my life. Puts a whole new spin on things, doesn’t it?

“For we saw His star in the east and have come to worship Him.” Matthew 2:2b

You Have Me...?

Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes. More specifically, do I have what it takes to follow through with what life brings my way. I'm an extremely impulsive person. Prone to let my emotions get the better of me. Slight me at your own risk. Depending on my mood I may laugh it off, return fire with sarcasm, or pelt you with my wrath and then you shall feel my fiery anger to your core.

 It surprises me sometimes how easily I can fly off the handle. Throw things across the room or scream at the top of my lungs. Don't worry, I'm not a lunatic. Or at least I hope I'm not. Most of the time I'm a happy, bubbly personality who loves to put a smile on your face, but I know there is a fear down there, deep in my heart of hearts that wonders if I'll have the stamina to keep going, to keep holding on to the truth and to finish strong.

What I realize, is that it's not necessarily the slight or the imperfection of my performance in work or friendships that are really the problem. The core of the situation is that I put it on my identity. If I fail to show up for work on time, I tell myself that my identity in time management is a failure= I'm not trustworthy or dependable so don't trust me with lots of responsibility. Likewise, when a friend or foe slights me, I tell myself that my identity as a friend or a person is a failure= I'm not reliable or fun to hang out with so don't spend time getting to know me, because there's really nothing there worth getting to know.

It's not the situation that causes trouble, it's that I let it affect my identity.

I always picture myself on a battlefield, struggling to keep control of my sword- my identity, but as each fight comes and I feel the strength leave my arms, I wonder when it will go flying from my hands to be lost in the jumble of bodies of fellow comrades that lay all around me. Maybe that's a bit dramatic, but sometimes, its how I feel... I'm left wondering what the keys are to stay the course.

Of course I know the answer. I know that each battle however big or small, it's not the end. My identity is not defined by how others view me or even how I view myself. It comes from some place much more secure and I have to trust to the law of truth, that no matter how tired my arm may become, that sword will never leave my hands. Sure it may feel slippery with sweat or blood at times, as the insults or failures come, but the truth is, it won't part with my hand.

This is no power I own, this law of truth comes from One who is higher. The One that truly saves me time and time again. The One who no matter how often I scream or yell or chuck a tantrum, He will never leave me or forsake me. He is the only one who can, for lack of a better phrase, define me. And I'm amazed at how He does.

He thinks I'm something special. Something lovely. Something to be adored and cherished. He values my opinion. He loves my creativity. He desires to know what makes me smile, what makes me angry, He even collects my tears because they are precious to Him. I don't get it, but that's how He sees me.

Isn't that amazing to think about? There's Someone out there, who will never ever stop giving up on you. He will keep loving you and pursuing your heart until your final breath on this earth. He won't rest until He's done everything to keep you, to raise you up as the amazing man or woman you were born to be. Trust me, I've seen glimpses of the men and women who have relaxed in their identity and trusted Him with their lives and they shine brighter than the stars. C.S. Lewis put it perfectly in The Weight of Glory when he talks about there being "no ordinary people". Check it out, but this is fodder for another blog, another day, I don't want to get too off topic.

No matter how crappy life feels at times, even when you want to scream and curse and make a fool of yourself to get your own way, He won't give up. That's the truth of it. I just need to recognize it a bit more and rest in knowing that even though I may not have what it takes to keep going, He does and if I keep turning to Him in my need, He will be faithful to answer. He does indeed have me.

Thus Saith the Word

Like any new years day I found myself thinking of new years resolutions and decided one thing I really wanted to conquer this year, was to read through the Bible from beginning to end. I must confess, while I've read several of the books of the Bible over and over again, there were books I'd never read, or had only read a VERY little of. So, I began my quest of reading this ginormous book.
The one thing I knew I needed to do was to refocus my perspective. Instead of coming at this book like it was something I must read in order to be a good Christian, I decided to look at it like a good fairytale, one I'd been dying to read. Lo and behold this new perspective opened my eyes to the fantastical and rich stories that make up the Bible. I rediscovered favorite characters like Elijah who with his staff called down fire to destroy his enemies. David who was so beloved by the people that it was a great honor to be one of his mighty men.  Deborah, a wise woman who commanded a whole country and led them to great victories. Men and women of valor, who defended the defenseless with swords, bows and arrows. People not unlike Robin Hood, King Arthur, Merlin and many others.
Now don't get me wrong, I know the Bible is truth, and I don't mean to make it sound like just a story. Putting this new perspective on it, rather than destroy the truth, actually revealed that it wasn't just history, but an amazing, old and awesomely rich story. Something that is truer and more alive than this world we currently call home. It's a richness I have yet to find a word for, something bigger and better than any of us could imagine. Something that haunts us, causes are skin to tingle with excitement and reverance. Something more real than this life we are living and I realize it whispers of what eternity will be like. This world will not hold us for long, we will only live here for the briefest of moments, not even long enough to bat your eye at.

We belong to another place, a richer, more alive place and my heart swells with the adventure that awaits.